blood lost.

the first bf i had on the net i met at a rather confused time in life thru a diary i wrote on six yrs ago- we connected in many ways but he was bipolar and borderline (i didnt know i was yet) and caused me consecutive breakdowns.

i waited for him for four yrs and ended a committed relat. for him but he stood me up countless times even though i flew to the westcoast 2x.

i know all about the pain of love and relationships that are long distance- you wouldnt believe how much i know and understand- he would disconnect from me, get distant, lie to me , go on crazy binges (cocaine) and not care that lying to me let alone that he was neglecting me emotionally was killing me, was breaking me down into little nonexistent fucked up shattered pieces.......until i could not hold it back no longer. well. i did . hold it in. for as long as i could. but i began having dreams of cut off heads and blood all over the walls. murder. it was eerie but i felt no emotion, i was detached in those dreams but i would wake up horrified and completely disturbed inside. i did not know i had depression yet or that the big breakdown was just around the corner. only a month away actually. inside i was self imploding- in my dreams.

the anger began to seep into me like poison- a feeling i never ever wanted to feel for someone i loved so much in every way, someone i loved unconditionally pretty much for well over four yrs.

i began to become bitter and resentful and it only got worse as the months passed and i had to scream to be seen. 3 libras became my mantra- you don't see me at all, you don't see me at all.

i started to get angry to the point of HATE for always being forgotten and invisible. my self injury and starvation became rampant. the more he ignored me and forgot about me, the more i felt i didn't exist. and the more i had to take it out on myself- punish myself for him. it was the only thing real and the only thing i had any control over and it became the only way i dealt with pain and hurt. to punish myself everytime someone hurt me. pain became me and consumed me, like acid. it was eating me up. and i had succumb to it.

anger and pain- i learned all about it with him. i've never quite been able to unlearn pain, or to unlearn the fact that i feel i deserve pain and must punish myself all the time. over love. over the men that i love.

its never stopped.

i started ripping out my scalp more and more until it bled, until it hurt and the abrasions, cuts, scabs and scars began piling up one after another. i cannot even get my hair done professionally anymore- the cuts and abrasions are rampant, they are all over my head, neverending, freshly opened time and time again- several times a day. uncontrollable.

so anyway, because i felt non-existant, i stopped eating because i no longer cared and felt worthless, angry, and dead like a ghost. i no longer cared to live.

i had stopped living when i met him and every second had become filled with intense anxiety, oh it was agony. that is when the panic attacks began, acclerated with an intensity that made me want to jump off a fucking cliff just so it would STOP. i couldnt make it fucking stop and I was going crazy. in my heart, in my mind.

and, so....the self medication became necessary not just very nite but several times a day and nite.

it started with one dose of cough medicine but within months i was going thru two bottles, maybe three a week? i don't know, i lost count, i stopped leaving my apt for almost a year and lived in darkness, fear, on the brink of suicide. always on edge. always wishing for death. hoping to never wake up again.

that.

started.

five years ago.

i left my body then. somehow snapped out of it- the way someone snaps out of their spirit, the way one snaps out of their mind- breaking in half, breaking apart, shattering the heart/soul/mind/body-- when raped.

that is what happened to me. and that is what has happened to me several times in the past three yrs. consecutive trauma and breaks, break after break until there is nothing left but an empty broken shell of a girl. a ghost is a ghost is a ghost- of course.

i fragmented, disconnected, broke down and shattered into pieces- pieces that have never been able to be mended or put back together no matter how much i have tried. to heal. from all this pain.

since i have never ever recovered or stopped craving for the end to all insanity (In essence my descent into madness has never truly ended though I have searched for ways, I have tried everything but to no avail, nothing has worked. I have become strung out and burned out from life, from abandonment, from loss, from pain, from despair and unending tears. there seems to be no end in sight and i have disintegrated in a matter of a year and become completely hopeless, like a child unable to move, breathe, take care of herself as an adult should)

since then i have never recovered from the desire to never be or feel again born out of despair, pain, anger and death . death of an innocent heart, a pure soul. death.

i loved him .unconditionally, oh yes, but inside I was pushing down the anger and resentment and bitterness I felt for being taken for granted. so anyway, hed drift and forget about me for a week, two wks, and i wouldnt know what the hell he was doing and would go fucking crazy.

our only contact was thru diary. email. phone (if HE could fit me in to his schedule- everything always did revolve around him and his time.) or chat if i was lucky (neither of us were chat people. but to be near him, to express love and desire- i, we needed that connection as much as i wasnt into that whole 'chat' kind of mentality, but i always thought of him as different than your typical internet relationship because we had met thru each others diary and both of us were so deep and intelligent and multifaceted.

for me, it had always been about personality and intelligence and our same love of poetry, literature, and underground alternative music, NOT looks. i had not even known how he looked for a few yrs. crazy right?

well, i loved with my heart and soul and i was pure and true. i have always had the ability to fall in love for who someone IS above HOW someone looks.

he of course always knew how i looked and was highly attracted to me, thought i was hot sexy and a goddess. who wouldnt like to be viewed as beautiful and put on a pedestal? i wont lie, it made me feel desired and wanted and needed and like someone. but even though I didnt know how he looked, I put him on a pedestal too- i felt he was beautiful, sexy, intelligent, deep, adorable, a genuis, beautiful poet, with extraordinary taste in music and we had the same music/growing up/ and religious backgrounds- both catholic both ethnic. i am mixed but he was hispanic.

all in all, i just felt he was the answer to my soul and in another life i am sure we could have been perfect together. he saw me as his soulmate too and we talked of this often, it had afterall, been what had brought us together thru our words, we connected through words and song/lyrics.

and when i finally did see his picture because he was so scared because you see he was bulemic and overweight- BUT i felt he was as beautiful as ever and my perception never changed because i loved him, i really loved him with everything inside of me.

unfortunately he never intended to make me real, to make us real and my dream of love,soulmates and us- died right inside of me, murdering my heart, murdering my soul.

murder doesn't even cover it- that is a nice way of putting it- oh it was so much more painful than that- it was, i was beyond- beyond help, beyond everything- after he was through with me. and ever since, i have been haunted.

and five yrs and counting, i have never recovered or healed from all of this pain, all of this loss.

oh unrequited love, it was never quite what they said it would be.

cross my hearthope to diei swear to youmy love will never be a lie.

[it'll.end.in.tears.
it always does.]

-your ghost in the darkness.