soul.spill. [summer 2004]

it is storm and rain at its best in the midst of summer time heat, the weight of the night air over here can sometimes make it so hard to breathe. and in the daytime of light, when there is no rain or clouds in sight, the heat bares down on your skin, so deeply that you wonder if maybe you've become a parched dried out desert wilting under a dead-end sky.i sit here quietly, reflectively, i wear a sage colored camisole sundress embedded with ivory flowers delicately stitched with forestgreen leaves, a linen cotton dress that aligns to the curves of my body and gives me some reprieve from the lack of air that comes and goes.it has rained consistently for five days now. no stars will shine at nite and luna has become a mystery being choked by a blackened stormy wistful piece of sky. the horizon could go on forever if only we could find the light. there is a special soul that mourns and fights against the dying light, a million miles apart when all you want is to hold that person and make everything alright. sitting here, thinking of you, knowing that if i could fly to you, i could watch over you, protect you, keep you safe from harm, nourish you, give to you, and guide you back to the shining light.this girl has drowned, died in a million ways. one foot forward and somehow always ending up backwards. still somehow she manages to hold on, no matter how brittle that rope has managed to become. some days she can feel it pulling against as if the rope has become a tug of war of the heart. some days she wonders if when that rope will break. she is terrified of that. she prays that if that happens that someone will be there to catch and break her fall because if not she fears that her life will have gone to waste. the end is always ever near, clutching onto a thin line of hope, holding onto anything that will save her from her demise, the descent into madness. she has been there too many times and she has pleaded and cried in tears of rage begging for mercy, to not be put back there every again. how does she make it? why is she still alive? because she believes in hope, deep down, no matter how small it may seem, she believes and inside she knows there is more to life and out there, there is something beautiful and something inside tells her to hold on, and not to give up. What gets her through? someone who cares. being loved. a kind word, a kind heart. a connection. she just wants to be cared about and loved like anyone else. but, even when unloved, she knows what it is to suffer and so when she sees someone, another soul like herself, you, she is compelled to save them with the strength that has carried her through. she has know darkness, pain, torment, suffering, so much like you, but she is here, she is struggling, but she is surviving and she is here to tell you that if she can, you can too. she gives you her strength and whatever hope she has because she knows, she believes that there is more to life than just this and that we just have to find it. she has never been completely happy, but she also knows it wasn't always this way and that there is always hope that we can get back to where we were, maybe not completely happy. but to be redeemed, to find peace, strength and healing through each other, i think that we can. loving souls like us don't deserve to die. we are strong. we would not have made it this far if we were not. we have both been broken in unimaginable ways, but i'm here to tell you that broken or not, we can make it through this and we will. this is not the end. i am a stranger but i am also a deep soul who cannot help but care. and you are loved.

because, love saves-

like nothing else will.